America - Bowl season became extremely intense Tuesday when two college football teams that qualified for the same bowl went at each other with a vengeance. "It was intense," one spectator said. "One team tried to carry the pigskin over the goal line and then the other team tried to carry the pigskin over the goal line. Back and forth, back and forth - everybody trying to get the officials to raise their arms!" Future bowls, played by different players, representing different schools, wearing different colored jerseys, promise to add sparks to the 2011-2012 bowl season. "I can't wait for the tussle on the 22nd. And it wouldn't be Christmas Eve without the bowl game they play on that day," a college football aficionado exclaimed. Experts are particularly excited about the matchup between the really fast guy and the highly skilled guy who gets hurt all the time but is currently injury free. Former Heisman Trophy winner Andre Ware contributed to this report.(Courtesy ESPN.com)
Washington - A veteran U.S. pilot revealed today that former President George W. Bush applauded wildly every time Air Force One touched down, no matter how mundane the journey. "After bumpy flights during which I zigzagged through bolts of lightning, I appreciated acknowledgment the landing was stellar," the pilot said on the condition of anonymity. "But a standing 'O' surrounded by blue skies was a bit much." The president reportedly nicknamed the pilot in some measure because of his landing prowess. "Mr. Bush called me 'Stick,'" the pilot claimed. "Partly because I'm thin and partly because I 'stick' the landings."(Courtesy Politico.com)
1. Green Bay Packers - Packers Coach Mike McCarthy is a genius. An individual's proficiency hasn't been this instrumental in making crowds happy since Richard L. Coe told producers of Hello, Dolly to give Minnie Fay more cleavage.2. Houston Texans - A Texas football team hadn't won a meaningful game in December since the only people who'd roll their eyes at the mention of "Cher" are those who'd eaten some bad Beurre blanc in Bourges.3. Denver Broncos - If you're tired of reading about Tim Tebow, be certain NFL defenses are responding to the disappearance of fourth quarter leads as Jubal Brown responds to museum artwork.4. New England Patriots - Tom Brady keeps chuckin' the pigskin like the future hall of famer he is. The heartthrob gunslinger is to the Patriots success as the perturbation theory is to describing real quantum systems.5. New Orleans Saints - They've been lights out since their "World Multiconference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics mistakenly accepting Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy as a 'non-reviewed' paper in 2005," embarrassing loss to the Rams.(Courtesy Foxsports.com)
A positive attitude helps brighten any situation. Despite a lack of fireworks, I made the most of a first date. Why not? It's always fun getting to know another human being. While I wouldn't be able to RSVP "plus 1", I would be "plus 1" in the friend department. What better way to add a little frivolity than by faking sudden deafness!? After giving no indication I'm hard of hearing, I completely ignore his question regarding my usual holiday plans. As he repeats the query, I widen my eyes and stare at his lips, as if to say, "I see you're talking but can't hear a single word!" I aggressively tug on both lobes, and then move my jaw around like I'm desperate to pop my ears. Mimicking a swimmer fresh from the pool, I tilt my head and repeatedly smack the side of my face. After that: unadulterated screams of panic. Assuming we're experiencing domestic issues, the maitre d' calls the cops and kicks us out. The police confuse my lack of response with attitude. As they have me pinned against a brick wall, my date yells, "She went deaf! She literally just went deaf!" A month later, he pays me a visit. Having studied speech patterns of the hearing-impaired, I inform him we can't date because he reminds me of the precise moment I lost my hearing, you know, sort of a Pavlovian deal.
(Courtesy Chicken Soup for the Soul)
Marshall, TX - The ACLU has learned a school bus that transports children to and from Marshall Elementary School passes 8 local churches per trip. "That's too many," said ACLU spokesperson Pete Peters. "Those churches expose children to crosses and catchy little religious phrases, things that kids should not be exposed to while being driven by governmental busses. "The Republican led city council says that it would be a logistical nightmare for the bus to avoid the institutions of religion. "The bus would have to start its route an hour early and the kids wouldn't get home until an hour later," says City Councilman, Jeff Todd. But Mr. Peters insists he's worked out the details. "I planned it out on Yahoo! Maps this morning," he said. "When the bus is on Main Street, instead of turning left on 3rd Avenue, it should take a right on Austin Street, a left on Magnolia Street, a left on Pine Lane, drive through the Wendy's parking lot, drive across Crazy Jeb Bellows ranch, make a U-turn over the center divider on Perkins Street and BAM, you've got a bus route that gets everyone to school and doesn't compromise anyone's civil liberties."(Courtesy The Marshall Daily Sentinel)
