Pittsburgh - Claiming the July trade deadline weighed heavily, Pittsburgh Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington postponed a regularly scheduled dinner and feel-good movie date early last Saturday night. The excuse was immediately met with intense skepticism. "The trade deadline... really?" his wife asked, accusingly. "Pitchers and catchers reported today and already the majority of your evening will be spent on barters you won't propose for months. Bet the deadline won't alter Sunday's golf outing." Mr. Huntington fought back. "Are you seriously going to battle me on this!? My job is to keep the Bucs competitive on a small market payroll. You have no idea the constant pressure I'm under," he continued before throwing his glass of scotch at the wall. "Should Pittsburgh even field a team? Or should I tell Commissioner Selig that movie night takes precedent; that Hollywood is producing so many winners I haven't a single spare second to spend bolstering our bullpen!? You're no different than every other salary cap opponent. How I wished I had an inkling of your big-market-loving character before I married you," Mr. Huntington dramatically finished before entering, then slamming the door to his home office.(Courtesy of Yahoo! Sports)
Los Angeles - Peter Lorenz, longtime devotee of funnyman Dennis Miller, accessed the online encyclopedia, Wikipedia.org, nearly 100 times during a recent airing of the SNL alums three hour radio show. Despite the help, eight of Mr. Miller's highbrow references were lost on Mr. Lorenz. "Mr. Miller quipped that the difference between Democrats and Republicans equate to the disparity between Swedish biochemist Hans von Euler-Chelpin and Georgian biochemist Revaz Dogonadadze," Mr. Lorenz said. "I read the profile of both men several times and still don't see how their work relates to the two dominant political parties in America today." Mr. Lorenz is also unsure Mr. Miller's opinion of the GOP frontrunner. "During the second hour, Dennis exclaimed, 'Mitt Romney claiming he's a conservative is like a resident of Little Rice driving through Three Lakes with a bumper sticker that reads, 'Gophers Do It in the Eagle River.' I think I comprehend the reference but don't want to say in case I'm off by embarrassing proportions."(Courtesy Politico.com)
Hollywood - While filming his 2003 mockumentary, A Mighty Wind, star/director Christopher Guest assumed ardent fans of the genre would be thrilled to see a genuine documentary about the making of a mockumentary. The Making Of is the mockumentary Mr. Guest helmed as a result of that thought. The finished product, however, is confusing moviegoers who usually enjoy the work of Mr. Guest and his clever cohorts. "I'm not sure what I was watching," said John Balboa. "I couldn't tell which crew was supposed to be serious and which crew was supposed to be funny. I think they were both supposed to be funny, one unintentionally and one intentionally, but it was hard to know for certain." Mr. Guest explained The Making Of. "It's very simple," he insisted. "A documentary film crew shoots a documentary about a prolific mockumentary director in the process of shooting his latest mockumentary." Unfortunately some viewers thought it was a real documentary about the making of a mockumentary that will be released at a later date, or is already available on DVD. Sheila De La Cruz is one of those moviegoers. "I'm looking forward to seeing the mockumentary the documentary was about," she said, referring to a motion picture that doesn't exist. "No, you're not getting me," Mr. Guest replied. "There is no mockumentary. Well there is, but the mockumentary is what you thought the documentary was. It's not. The documentary is about a mockumentary that doesn't exist. Actually, to be technically correct, the documentary is a mockumentary about a documentary crew shooting a mockumentary that doesn't exist. I hope that clears things up once and for all." The Making Of opens across the country Friday.(Courtesy E!Online)
Cleveland, OH - The Cleveland Cavaliers rallied from an eight point halftime dearth to vanquish the defending NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks Saturday night. "It was a vexing loss," Maverick Coach Rick Carlisle said. "I was flabbergasted by the consequence of our maneuvers. Hopefully our subsequent adversary won't stymie the game schematic like the Cavaliers did." "We were smothered by the Cavs back-to-the-basket resistance in the third and rearmost quarters," Maverick forward Dirk Nowitzki said. "Coach Carlisle didn't need to bloviate in his hind-contest speech. We know unerringly where our blemishes loll." "The deluge of baskets perpetrated by the antagonists was too great to encumber," said Maverick guard Jason Terry. "I'd like to offer amends to our devotees, who have been unwavering in their support." Coach Carlisle insists this Forest City pasting will not have an elongated tenure on his force. "Our perseverance will not wane and I refuse to let the stench of failure reverberate throughout the Mavericks practice facility," he said. Jason Terry echoed his conductor's utterance. "When we sojourn in Denver on Wednesday night to tussle with the Nuggets, we will not let our defeat to the Cavs humidify our spirits. We will capture the floor. We will show the masses we're proud Nimrods." Tipoff Wednesday is schedule for 8:00 PM Central Time.(Courtesy ESPNDallas.com)
New York - During an appearance on the popular Fox News talker, The O'Reilly Factor, Koch Industry Spokesperson Nancy Pfotenhauer tried desperately to thwart potential analysis by Factor body language expert Tonya Reiman. On the show via satellite to discuss whether her influential right-wing bosses, the Koch brothers, are on President Obama's enemies list, Ms. Pfotenhauer moved erratically for the express purpose of confusing Ms. Reiman, a frequent Factor guest. Though unlikely she'll ever be in the crosshairs of the non-verbal guru, Ms. Pfotenhauer wasn't taking any chances. Discussing whether the Koch brothers are disproportionately harassed by the IRS, she made a steeple with her fingers, touched her tongue to her nose, planked on the arms of her chair, extended the arms of her person as if a loved one was coming in for a hug, and made a "De Niro face." In response, Factor staffers are asking guests to move their bodies naturally. "We're assuring everyone that folding their arms for comfort or putting their hand over their mouth to cough won't lead anyone to conclude they're a, "racist, bigot or homophobe," said Jesse Watters, Factor producer and host of Factor segment, Watters' World.(Courtesy MSNBC.com)
